At the beginning of 2021, over nine months into a global pandemic and in need of a change of scenery, I traveled to Monticello, Virginia, for a three-day silent, solo meditation retreat. When I arrived at my lemongrass-infused cottage, with a pre-planned retreat schedule provided by my meditation teacher in hand, I was determined to retreat "right." In other words, I was determined to prove what a badass I was at wellness even though I was only competing against myself.

On the first day of my retreat, from sunup to sundown, my schedule alternated between 30 minutes of sitting and 15 minutes of stretching, with two hour-long yoga practices in the morning and evening, one mid-day walk, and quick meals. One practice at a time, I completed everything on the schedule, leaving satisfied little checkmarks next to each as I went: The sitting, the stretching, the yoga, the walk, the meals; repeat.

I am amazing at this, I thought to myself. Look at me go.

But by mid-morning on Day Two, my enthusiasm was starting to wane. Devoid of Wi-Fi, reliable cell service, or another human being to even glance at, I was itching for something—anything—to keep me motivated.

I remembered I'd packed a meditation headband. It was advertised to be promoting calm, increasing focus, improving sleep, and boosting the quality and control of your meditation practice. It was everything that meditation is designed to do but up-leveled by a futuristic gadget and color-coordinated charts courtesy of a cell phone app. Resting the little black halo across my forehead and tucking two of its seven EEG sensors behind each ear, I began yet another 30-minute set. After all, if meditating is replenishing and reenergizing, meditating while measuring five of my brainwaves in real-time—gamma, beta, alpha, theta, and delta—was bound to be even better.

There is a lot about the impacts of mindfulness and meditation that we still don't understand—particularly in the global West. From 1970 to 2010, there were only around 200 studies on meditation conducted by Western researchers. Then, in 2019 alone, scientists conducted over 1000. There is evidence that mindfulness impacts human brainwaves, changing how we relate to our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, which changes how we relate to the world. Yet, we have learned just enough to know we've only scratched the surface.

The terms "mindfulness" and "meditation" are often used interchangeably, but they are hardly the same; mindfulness is a form of meditation, but mindfulness is only one practice, while hundreds of different meditation practices. If you are brand new to either, at first glance, the breadth and depth of meditation practices can seem not only overwhelming but downright terrifying.

In my book, Shut Up and Sit: Finding Silence and All the Life-Changing Magic that Comes with It, there is an entire chapter dedicated to "the problem with meditation." (Odd, for a book all about the benefits of shutting up and sitting, I know.) But if you have ever begun a meditation practice, only feel that meditation "just isn't for you," you're not alone. Studies on meditation have shown that people do not sit in still silence and learn to connect with themselves because it can be painful. In the beginning, all that awareness can even exacerbate any suffering or trauma. A 2014 study at Oxford researched the most common reasons people do not stick with a meditation practice. In addition to the potential exacerbation of trauma, they included the following reasons: 

• Difficulty learning meditation

• Trouble experiencing "the self" 

• Challenged reality

• The subjectivity of happiness

That's why I recommend mindfulness meditation as a more accessible, relatable, and enjoyable practice than the catch-all, wildly diverse array of practices that "meditation" encompasses.

One way you'll find mindfulness defined is: The quality of being conscious or aware of something; a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. (Fun fact: When translated from its original language, mindfulness means: "Remember to keep your attention inside.")

On the other hand, meditation is often defined as To engage in contemplation and/or mental exercises to reach a heightened level of spiritual awareness. In other words, the hundreds of different forms meditation can take are all practiced to reach that elusive state of contemplation and heightened spiritual awareness.

If you ask me, there's a whole lot more pressure involved in reaching enlightenment than there is in just shutting up and sitting with yourself for a few minutes every day.  

Unlike many other forms of meditation, the purpose of mindfulness is not to empty your mind or get one step closer to reaching enlightenment. Mindfulness is nothing more than sitting quietly with yourself, taking some distraction-free time to consider and pay attention to you in the context of a meditative experience. By paying closer attention to yourself—asking questions like: 

• How do I really feel right now? 

• Why did I just say that to that person?

• Where did I learn this belief?

You can significantly increase your self-awareness. With that increased awareness, you can see more—and more objectively—more honestly assess what's going on within and outside of yourself in any given situation and live your life with better clarity, truth, and authenticity. It's a practice that allows you to cultivate a deeper and more honest relationship with yourself, in which you can connect with your wisdom and learn to live your truth into the world.

Mindfulness isn't about accomplishing or achieving or reaching anything—it's simply about noticing. It's about paying attention, getting to know and understand your true self so that you can be your true self. That's it.

So, if you're one of the many who are searching for something—even if you're not totally sure what that something is yet—and didn't find it in meditation, you're not alone. Just consider mindfulness instead. 

As it turned out, the meditation headband was pretty cool....except if you happen to be completely alone in the Virginia woods on a silent meditation retreat. My headband cheerily recorded how many minutes my brain was active, neutral, and calm by taking constant measurements. My headband then rewarded each calm state by emitting a gentle bird chirp. After my headband-assisted sit, I could not wait to dive into the data. 179 instances of active brain activity and 63 bird chirps, it read.

That wasn't going to do it for me.

Shifting directly into a judging mindset, I started to give myself a pep talk. I just have to meditate harder, I thought. I need more bird chirps. I am better than 63. Over and over, I sat for 30-minute meditations, listening intently and practically willing the headband to chirp. Over and over, my results left much to be desired: 72 chirps, then 54, 58, 61, 67. I finally got so frustrated that I tossed the headband onto my meditation cushion and, fuming, left the cabin to hit a trail.

As I walked, the voice of my inner critic walked with me. You've been doing this work for so long, she said. You should be better than this—better than 63 measly chirps.

Suddenly, trudging along, something caught my attention. I looked up and found myself in a gorgeous little clearing in the woods, deep in the Blue Mountains. Pausing, I stopped to take in my surroundings.

I had never heard so many birds chirping in my life.

They were everywhere, flitting from tree branch to tree branch, hopping along the earth, singing with their entire bodies, and taking little notice of my presence. I sat down right there on the chilly January ground, in the middle of it all.

It was as though the universe were saying: "You don't need to make the birds chirp. That's not what you're here for. I take care of that."

That is what mindfulness is all about.

As a consciousness coach and consultant, Yedda strives to be present with everyone she meets, aspiring to pay total attention without judgement. She is open-minded and lives life with an open heart, offering others a sacred safe space to grow and evolve, free from suffering and shame. To learn more about Shut Up and Sit: Finding Silence and All the Life-Changing Magic that Comes with It, enroll in our online mindfulness-based personal development course, and more visit https://yeddastancil.com/take-the-course/ or follow Yedda on Instagram @yeddastancil and @mindfulnessbarrva.